Wednesday 1 September 2021 by Neil Tollfree

‘Our Afghans allies can stay until we need to appease the dreadful racists who vote for us’ insist Tories


priti patel welcomes afghan allies

Afghans who worked for the British military and the UK government will be able to live freely in the UK until the Tories need to appease their horrible racist supporters, the Home Office has announced.

“These refugees are our friends and allies,” said Home Secretary and poorly written Bond villain Priti Patel.

“The best way to show our appreciation for all they have given is to give them leave to remain in the UK until we need to vilify a minority in order to give us some good headlines from our newspapers.

“At which point we’ll demonise them all as paedophiles and terrorists like we do any other community of brown people in the country.”

Simon Williams is an immigration expert and estimates that the Afghan allies can expect about a fortnight of the Government appearing to welcome them to the country before the tide begins to turn.

“Two weeks seems about right,” he said.

“The Government makes some sort of catastrophic balls-up every fortnight or so, so we can expect the next one around the middle of the month. Possibly something to do with Covid in schools.

“At which point they’ll need something to distract the idiots who still support the Tories, and throwing these Afghan allies to the wolves should do them fine.”

The Afghan allies themselves seem a little bemused by the situation and have suggested that, as the UK isn’t at the mercy of Kalashnikov-toting maniacs, perhaps they could vote in a competent Government that isn’t reliant on performative racism to give the illusion of popularity.

The Cabinet of Arseholes Mug – this month’s best-seller!

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