Joe Biden rounds off a successful month by shooting John Wick’s dog

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Pleased at the resounding policy successes in the latest month of his presidency, Joe Biden has decided to round off his run of brilliantly organised ideas by wasting the pet dog of local retiree John Wick.

Addressing the United States Congress, Biden announced that as his evacuation of Afghanistan went off as planned and without a hitch, he was confident his next policy idea of stealing Wick’s classic car and shooting his dog would go just as well – ‘if not better’.

The President went on to call upon the United States’ allies to join them in the dog shooting, reassuring them that they know they can rely on the US to support them and keep them advised of plans at all times.

“My fellow Americans. With our successes around the world and the respect of our peers at an all-time high, there is surely no better time to take action against John Wick and secure his lovely old car for the American people,” Biden told the House of Representatives.

“I am confident that getting Mister Wick to accept the death of his dog will be as easy as our strategic withdrawal from Kabul, and we can turn the page on a new chapter for America without fear for the future.”

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Wick, who has lived quietly and peacefully as a neighbour for as long as anyone can remember, suggested that a decision to murder his dog without any plan or warning might be ‘regrettable’ – a claim dismissed by supporters of the idea.