Tuesday 31 August 2021 by Chris Ballard

British Government relieved that nasty Afghanistan business all ended okay


Boris Thumbs

After a stressful few days when their utter incompetence has been even more visible than usual, Boris and his cabinet are relieved that the Afghanistan situation all worked out fine in the end.

The last British troops have now left Kabul along with the UK ambassador.

With thousands of Afghans who couldn’t get out now left to their fate under Taliban rule, how does the Prime Minister feel about the withdrawal?

“A raving success!” said Mr Johnson. “Barely anyone dead, locals all happy – splendid stuff!

“In the past, I’ve sometimes mistimed withdrawals but I know that if there are ever any unintended consequences I can simply pretend they don’t exist!

“One of our generals even managed to nip to Kabul’s Chicken Street and get me one of those novelty letterbox dresses for Carrie. Perfect for Halloween!

“The one downside is that the ambassador left in such a hurry he had to abandon thousands of Ferrero Rocher to the Taliban. God knows what those savages will do – eat them with the foil on, probably.

“Still, I guess it means those Muslim types won’t be stuck for Christmas stocking fillers!”

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is equally relieved.

He explained, “It’s funny to think that a couple of weeks ago I’d never even heard of a Car Bull or any of the other animals that had to be evacuated.

“Some people are suggesting that thousands have been left behind, although I’m not sure how they could have counted them because apparently there’s now a tally ban.

“I’m just pleased it’s all over and that we’ll never have to think about Afghanistan again.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – see more here!

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