Friday 27 August 2021 by Sarah Polley

Four hobbies you’ve taken up to impress women that women couldn’t give a toss about


hobbies to impress women

Taking up hobbies in the hope they will impress women has been the preserve of men with too much time on their hands for millennia, and here we explore four of the most popular.

Poetry
In a futile attempt to appear sensitive and convince women you’re in touch with your emotions, and instead of expressing your feelings using normal sentences, you decided to go through the arse ache of trying to include words that rhyme.

After pouring your heart and soul out over the family goldfish that died seven years ago, opening with ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m sorry Goldie I forgot to feed you’, the emo girl in your sixth form enquired about your mental health and handed you the number for The Samaritans.

Salsa dancing
After seeing your mum getting giddy over a gay dancer on the Strictly Christmas Special you were inspired to show off your moves before remembering you didn’t have any. Surely after signing up to the salsa dance classes you found on Groupon, you’ll be impressing the ladies in the class in no time with your funky footwork and gyrating hips?

Sadly not, as your lack of rhythm made you look like you were trying to shake a dog turd off your shoe and only two women showed up, one of whom was your mum.

Weight lifting
Women like masculine men and what’s more manly than big, bulging biceps and a six-pack you could grate cheese off, right? So you hit the gym, hired a personal trainer, bought all the supplements and tried every protein shake going in a desperate bid to get beach body ready and turn the heads of all the bikini-clad goddesses by the pool 10 days before you were going on holiday.

Inevitably, you didn’t morph into Hulk, but pulled your hamstring and fractured your knee trying to squat more weight than your jacked trainer can. It didn’t help that your incessant protein farts caused a flight attendant to pass out, leading to a life-long ban from EasyJet.

Magic
While totally overlooking the fact that no woman has ever gotten fanny flutters watching Paul Daniels, you somehow thought things would be different for you. Rather than performing the usual card tricks, you went down the route of trying to impress girls with your sleight of hand wizardry which more cynical people would consider to be merely stealing stuff and giving it back.

Plus, you fucked it up and couldn’t remember which pocket you put her bracelet in so she reported you to the police for theft. Probably best to just give it up and learn how to load a dishwasher correctly instead.

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