Thursday 26 August 2021 by Davywavy

Standard model of physics to be rewritten after cat breaks speed of light travelling from the settee to an opening fridge door


Cat breaks rules of physics

Physicists around the world have conceded the standard model is irretrievably broken after local cat Mister Shufflebottom exceeded the speed of light travelling between the sitting room and an opening can of food.

The cat, who appeared to observers to be asleep on a cushion, accelerated to a negative Tau in a fraction of a second, resulting in him arriving at his bowl before the fridge door had even begun to open.

His owner, Simone Williams, accepted that Shufflebottom would need to have exceeded infinite mass in order to break lightspeed, but she could believe that as he was sat on her lap last night and she couldn’t stand up.

“We’re gonna have to tear the whole thing down and start again,” said Professor Grant Seeker at the Kettering Institute of Feline Velocity.

“Everything we know about the observable universe prohibits anything travelling faster than 299,792,458 m/s in a vaccuum, but evidence shows cats regularly manage at least double that whew they hear a can opener being used.

“It opens up an entirely new branch of physics we call ‘Quantum Mecatnips’. We postulate a new particle that allows cats to bend spacetime to achieve this feat. We call it the mew-on.”

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