Thursday 26 August 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Satisfied Dominic Raab puts photographs of Boris Johnson, a one-legged prostitute, and a goat back in his safe


Dominic Raab hidden safe

Dominic Raab sits quietly at his desk. A satisfied smile plays across his thin lips and he takes a small sip of his afternoon Ribena.

On the desk in front him is a photograph of his boss, Boris Johnson. He is naked from the waist down. He is laughing and is wide-eyed, staring at a nervous-looking goat. The goat is being led toward the Prime Minister by a one-legged woman in cheap underwear.

Raab stares at it, remembering the Christmas party in 2019. Everyone was at Chequers. After dinner, as is traditional at Tory Christmas parties, came the hookers and cocaine.

Johnson, though, was unhappy.

“I’m bored of hookers and cocaine. Ever since I’ve become Prime Minister I’ve had hookers and coke every day. It’s Christmas, I want more, dammit!”

Johnson’s friend and colleague Michael Gove laughed.

“Well Boris, my old friend. Funny you should say that.”

He clapped his hands twice and the music cut out and a door opened. The topless one-legged prostitute entered the room pulling a goat with a blue rosette tied round his neck.

Johnson, unable to contain himself, took his trousers and pants off and threw them out the window. As the prostitute led the goat towards the Prime Minister, everyone in his cabinet began taking photographs of the scene.

Raab finishes his Ribena and puts the photograph into the envelope with the others and stands to lock them all back his safe.

He smiles to himself. Thank heaven he hadn’t picked that moment to pop to the loo. Not like Matt Hancock.

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get your Mug here!

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