Thursday 26 August 2021 by Chris Ballard

Escape via the sea, Dominic Raab tells landlocked Afghans


Dominic Raab Afghanistan land locked

Due to congestion and the threat of another terror attack, Dominic Raab has urged those trying to get out of landlocked Afghanistan to forget Kabul airport and escape by sea.

Under pressure to do something useful about the crisis in Afghanistan, Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab has once again put his Geography skills to good use.

“Kabul airport is now a no-go zone,” he explained. “People need to head to the Afghan coast and flee over the waves.

“Being extremely committed to my job, I spent my recent holiday researching ways in which people can escape the Taliban. I can recommend paddle boarding as an effective – and extremely fun – method of transport. Particularly enjoyable after a couple of cocktails!”

One of Raab’s aides then pointed out that Afghanistan was landlocked.

“What?! The Taliban have locked the land?” shouted Raab. “The bastards! Removing women’s rights is one thing but removing access to the land is quite heinous!

“It’s now doubly important that Afghans get themselves to the sea before the Taliban lock that too!

“Without a coastline, Afghan citizens will lose their basic human rights – they won’t be able to water ski, scuba dive or sit on the beach eating ice cream while watching the beautiful sunlight glitter on the waves…

“Ah, here comes the Home Secretary. Priti, did you know that the Taliban have locked the land and are going to close the sea too?”

“How interesting!” said Ms Patel. “Do tell me more…”

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