Scandinavian quartet ABBA have today announced they will be releasing new music for the first time in over three decades in the form of a crushing new death metal album.
Sweden’s third most popular export after Volvos and IKEA announced their reunion and surprising change in direction at a press conference yesterday to the delight of their bewilderingly large fanbase.
Manager Simon Williamsson explained, “It has been a long time since the four of them have been in a recording studio together, and following the overwhelming success of the Mamma Mia musical over the last decade the band members have agreed to release some new material.
“Initially they considered recording another pop album, but how do you top tracks like ‘Dancing Queen’, ‘Mamma Mia’, ‘Super Trouper’ and that Happy New Year one? It simply can’t be done – so why bother even trying?”
He went on, “Bjorn has been getting into a lot of Carcass and Exhumed recently, and wanted to give their music a grindcore edge.
“And so when he discovered that Agnetha had been listening to a lot of Opeth and Amon Amarth it seemed too much of a coincidence to ignore.
“They have been really working on how to harmonise the growls and guttural screams associated with their new preferred genres to create a death-black-grind-metal fusion, and so are bound to be a hit with metalheads and their parents alike.”
The album will be released later this year, accompanied by merchandise including black t-shirts with the new band name – ABBATOIR – in an aggressive and barely legible font.