Harry Kane is staying at Spurs in order to avoid contact with trophies.
The England striker was rumoured to be on his way to Manchester City, Real Madrid, Manchester United and a few other clubs who stand a chance of winning some silverware.
“It’s the best thing for me,” said Kane, in a mumbly, grumpy voice.
“The doctors say that if I touch a trophy I could go into a coma. So I’m staying at Spurs for the sake of my health. Any of the other clubs with which I was linked COULD win a trophy this year. I’m not taking any chances.
“Thank God England didn’t win the Euros after all. You could be speaking to a corpse right now, which would be less exciting, right? RIGHT?”
A spokesperson for Tottenham Hotspur commented, “We are delighted that Harry is staying, no matter the bizarre medical condition that has forced him to do so.
“We will not forget Harry’s sacrifice and we will do our utmost to take care of him by not winning a single piece of silverware for yet another season.”