Building on her strategy of giving important commercial roles to woefully inexperienced famous people with a loose connection to a place, Liz Truss has announced that reggae-playing sleuth Rastamouse will “boost trade in those places where they eat jerk chicken.”
In a press release, The Department for International Trade explained that sending Da Eazy Crew’s lead singer to Barbados was a brilliant plan to generate trade for the UK and not an attempt to use household names to convince thick tabloid readers that Brexit is going swimmingly.
“As we all know, international trade is not based on ruthless commercial darwinism and carefully managed risk, but by having people at receptions look sideways at someone and get distracted until they dimly remember seeing that person on the telly.
“So naturally we expect great opportunities to come from having a children’s character say zuba duma duma danga to the Antiguan Minister of Trade.
“Rastamouse’s appointment is part of a series of high profile trade envoy appointments such as cricketer Ian Botham’s dispatch to Australia as Ozzies famously ignore harsh financial brinkmanship if you insult them about the Ashes or shoot endangered birds.
“Peter Kay will get sent to Spain after we saw his hilarious send up of a multi-generational Northern family on holiday in Benidorm.
“Jeremy Clarkson will get Italy as they famously love seeing their high end cars spoken about in sexual terms by someone who looks like melted cheese.
“Andrew Neil can take care of France as he lives there and, let’s face it, has no intention of ever returning to the UK.
“Finally, Cheryl Tweedy gets Russia as we understand they have similar opinions on ethnic minorities.”