Saturday 21 August 2021 by Pete Redfern

Sajid Javid declares new hospital open in his kitchen after applying plaster to cut on his finger


Sajid Javid kitchen is a new hospital

Health Secretary Sajid Javid has heralded the opening of a new hospital within his own house after successfully treating a minor ailment, it has been reported.

“One of the joys of being Health Secretary, apart from being able to gift close friends and family lucrative PPE contracts without putting them out to tender, is to be able to formally open a new hospital whenever you feel like it,” he told the right-wing tabloid ‘journalists’ that he’d paid to turn up at his front door.

“As you know, on the 19th August I had the pleasure of opening one of the forty-eight new hospitals that we promised in our election manifesto.

“True, the hospital itself – the Cumberland Infirmary- had been there for decades and this was just a new cancer treatment centre within the grounds, but it still counts as a new hospital.

“It still counts because that’s how we count things these days.”

Beaming proudly, he went on, “So it was an absolute delight to open another of the forty-eight hospitals this morning, too.

“By sticking a plaster on my thumb, my kitchen became a new specialist accident and emergency hospital in an instant, on account of the healing that had just occurred.”

According to reports, the hospital will be staffed by two of the fifty thousand new nurses promised by the Conservatives in their election manifesto; the recently qualified Mr Javid and his wife.

Nurse Sajid told us that the newly opened Sajid Javid Hospital will not be admitting any new patients initially unless one of their four children happen to suffer a very minor injury that requires a plaster, cold compress or some paracetamol.

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