OnlyFans subscribers now at a complete loss as to where to find pornography on the Internet

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Following the announcement by the subscription site OnlyFans that they will block all sexually explicit photos and videos on the site from 1st October, desperate users have been sent into a state of panic.

Simon Williams, an OnlyFans subscriber who talked to us on the condition he would remain anonymous and that we wouldn’t use a photo of him looking at his laptop, told us, “This is absolutely terrible news.

Clutching his flaccid penis forlornly in one hand he continued, “I’ve been subscribing to one young lady on OnlyFans for over a year now, and one of the reasons I’m happy to pay a monthly subscription fee is to guarantee I will be able to see nudey lady parts whenever I want to.

“But what do I do now? It’s not like there are hundreds of websites positively creaking under the weight of user-uploaded explicit pornographic videos that are free for just anyone to access, is there?”

He continued sadly, “Guess I’ll have to pop on my long overcoat, shuffle down to the newsagents and pick up a mag from the top shelf like it’s the sodding eighties.”

In other news, an online retailer of air-cooling devices that only sells fans has expressed delight that finally they might be able to get some traffic to their site again, having lost ninety-nine per cent of it when launched in 2016.