Friday 20 August 2021 by Arabin Patson

OnlyFans CEO only person on Earth to believe married men who say they subscribe for the cultural content


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Although OnlyFans’ decision to ban sexually explicit content surprised many people who thought it was its core business model, the company explained that, when asked in front of spouses or partners, most subscribers said they enjoyed the live music and cooking demos.

OnlyFans’s marketing director, Simon Williams, confessed that he too was surprised by customer feedback data, but that such a clear lack of interest in pornography made the ban a logical commercial step.

“We sent survey teams to the houses of subscribers on Sunday to make sure they were in and to then loudly ask who in the household had an OnlyFans account and why.

“Well, 9 out of 10 times, the respondent was a flustered looking man who nervously explained that they really liked being the first to hear the latest DJ Khaled song or just wanted to support creators who teach people how to make Italian meringue.”

Mr Williams also explained the surprising revelation that most men surveyed while their wife was present strongly rejected that they went on the site to watch sexually explicit content or that they even liked such things.

“When asked, most respondents avoided eye contact and muttered something about being left completely cold by young perky models and that there was no greater turn-on than a committed relationship.

“Others went on a surprisingly woke tirade about being disgusted by the objectification of women and that they’d rather learn about some young woman’s favourite books than see her insert anal beads while dressed as Sailor Moon.”

OnlyFans said that its radical new direction would hopefully see it replicate the success of Tumblr, new coke and those voluntary carbon offsets you can buy when paying for plane tickets.

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