The biblically old President of the United States has mixed up the Taliban with that other thing we’re supposed to be worried about at the moment.
Between naps, the US President has defended the withdrawal of his troops from Afghanistan. However, he seems to have mistaken the Taliban for a new variant of coronavirus.
“Our mission in Afghanistan was never supposed to have been to ensure everyone’s lungs were completely safe from this virus,” Biden told confused reporters at a White House press conference.
“There are simple precautions that all Afghan citizens can take to stop the spread,” continued the President, referring to the Deobandi Islamist movement and military organisation now in control of the country.
“Wear a mask. Think of those around you – perhaps you’re unwittingly a member of the Taliban and pose a serious threat to loved ones.
“Maintain social distancing. The Taliban can’t kill you if you don’t come into contact with it. This is basic stuff people.”
One of the President’s aides then whispered in his ear, explaining who the Taliban were.
“Well then, get a vaccine! We’ve seen it in our country – anti-vax sentiment goes hand in hand with religious extremism. The people of Afghanistan need to get themselves protected!
“We can’t be responsible for the weaknesses of Afghanistan’s political leaders. They gave up and fled, taking all the toilet roll with them!
“Look, these are difficult times for the people of Afghanistan, I realise that. But they’ll be absolutely fine if they just shop sensibly, buying only the groceries they need, and sanitise their hands on a regular basis.
“Now then, is there a nice cowboy film on that I can sleep to?”