Monday 16 August 2021

Taliban leader personally thanks Donald Trump for getting him out of prison and making his dream of an Afghanistan caliphate a reality


Abdul Ghani Baradar

Taliban leader Abdul Ghani Baradar has personally thanked former President Donald Trump for freeing him from a Pakistani jail in 2018 and allowing his dream of a Taliban-run Afghanistan to become a reality.

As the Taliban continue their complete take-over of the country, some insiders have explained that none of this would have happened if Donald Trump hadn’t stepped in to give them a huge helping hand.

A spokesperson told us, “Honestly, we were surprised how much the Americans bent over for us, we’re not really used to that.

“President Obama killed Osama Bin Laden, so to find our leader Abdul Ghani Baradar and 5,000 of our foot soldiers freed from prison at the behest of Donald Trump was a lovely change of tone by the Americans.”

Abdul Ghani Baradar himself said in an address to the Afghan people, “Let us be clear, without Donald Trump and his generous assistance I am not stood here on the verge of becoming Afghanistan’s new Taliban leader.

“In fact, without Donald Trump I would still be rotting in a Pakistani jail, but thankfully he told them to let me go so I could regroup and wait to take over the country – and for that, he will always have the thanks of grateful religious fundamentalists everywhere.

“Obviously we’re pleased President Biden has continued with the same policy of letting us do whatever the fuck we like, but we would not be here today if Donald Trump hadn’t bent over backwards to give us everything we wanted to just he could sign a peace deal with us before the last election – which he only went and lost anyway.

“If I was Donald Trump I would keep going, and placate religious fundamentalists wherever he finds them. The United States is already becoming like an episode of the Handmaid’s Tale, so he should definitely keep pushing that religious angle.

“Trust me, it gets you back into power in the long run!”

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