Monday 16 August 2021 by Pete Redfern

Dominic Raab spends morning frantically trying to find Afghanistan on a map


Dominic Raab

Dominic Raab is spending the morning intensely studying the map of the world that hangs on the wall in his office in the hope of finding Afghanistan, according to Downing Street insiders.

The Foreign Secretary, Britain’s worst since Boris Johnson left the post in 2018, rushed back from his holidays to take a firm grip on the current crisis and to double-check that Afghanistan wasn’t just across from Dover like France turned out to be.

“Now then Afghanistan, where are you,” he was heard to mutter to himself, frantically changing out of the holiday swimming shorts he was still wearing into some smarter clothes.

“Phew, not near Dover, that’s a relief. Must be near America, they would never invade a country a long way away from them… Hmm, no, it’s not anywhere near the USA either, how very strange.

“Gosh, this would be so much easier if Boris hadn’t hung this map upside-down for a laugh when he was Foreign Secretary, hilarious though it was.”

An aide suggested Google Maps to which he snorted and replied, “I know what a map is, thank you very much, I don’t need to Google it, how would that help?”

Fifteen minutes after returning to the world map on his wall he triumphantly exclaimed, “Ah, there it is! Blimey, it’s miles away from the UK, isn’t it? Even if you ran all the way it would take hours to get there.

“Nothing to worry about at all.”

The Foreign Secretary was then spotted getting back into his swimming shorts and being driven off in a ministerial car, another day of helping to lead a post-Brexit ‘global Britain’ complete.

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