Wednesday 11 August 2021 by Arabin Patson

Students with outstanding A-level results offered bursaries to pretend they aren’t smarter than their parents


The government announced plans to give £500 bursaries to students from this year’s record-breaking A-level cohort so they don’t hammer in the fact that nearly half of them got scores that for their elders would have been the preserve of a tiny, highly bullied, minority.

Simon Williams MP, Minister for Helping Old Dimwits Feel Clever, explained that the grants would be limited to those youngsters who are so clever that no amount of Daily Mail columnists ranting about dropping standards can smear their achievements.

“Our government is committed to making sure buy-to-let landlords and employers can feel justified in exploiting the young. Obviously this is tricky when the kids keep getting outstanding exam results.

“So we will offer the best and the brightest £500 to make some of those Tik Tok videos where they fall over their arse when dancing, or pretend to confuse Austria and Australia when talking with people wearing elasticated jeans.”

Amanda Tinnock, a student that just celebrated getting into Medical School, said the bursary would be nice but she had already been toning down the smarts in front of her parents for a while.

“Mum gets most of her information off some really old website called Facebook and Dad thinks watching James May on telly means he’s ‘into engineering’ – even though he can’t even help my younger brother with his trigonometry homework.

“I know they think they’re brilliant because they read Trainspotting before seeing the film, but I’ve googled the stuff their generation listened to. Anyone who danced to Whigfield is thick as pigshit.

“Now if you excuse me, I have to start thinking of ways to unfuck the world.”

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