Wednesday 11 August 2021 by Arabin Patson

Scientists confirm belief that people smoking a cigar in their profile pics are utter wankers


Man with cigar

A year-long wide study of over 87 million social media profiles has scientifically confirmed what used to be received folk wisdom; that anyone with a close-up of their head smoking a large cigar are irredeemable pricks who should be avoided at all costs.

Professor Simon Williams, who led the study, said that confirming common wisdom with scientific methods could help explain why people can often discern from just one picture who is a tolerable person and who is the type of bellend who calls pub staff ‘barkeep’.

He went on, “There is so much about the human brain we still don’t understand. Like how can we sense if someone is behind us or how we know Status Quo fans are racist. Demonstrating that our hunches are rooted in fact can go a long way to help us understand our own minds.

“We surveyed millions of profiles, isolated the ones with a cigar and went to look for other signs of wankery.

“In 99.78% of cases we could find evidence of being an arsewipe such as discussing the release of a new model of German car, commenting ‘spot on’ on a politician’s feed, referring to male colleagues as ‘the lads’ or going on holiday to Dubai.”

Professor Williams said that his team used the data to analyse other profile pics and identify potential danger signals.

“The cigar thing is an easy one but, believe it or not, they’re not the worst. Blokes with a cigarette dangling from their lips are just as self-centered but they are also misogynists. And anyone adjusting their tie or their shirt cuffs is a sociopath or a real estate agent.

“Probably both.”

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