Members of Britains special forces are being deployed to rappel down your wall, blow out your window and throw bags of shopping into your kitchen as a part of government plans to tackle delivery shortages to supermarkets.
After 40,000 EU-national drivers went home as a result of being told to fuck off home, Britain’s shops are facing severe difficulties in keeping supply chains moving – leading to military logistics experts being brought in to fill the gaps.
“As I see it, if you can stage a daring nighttime raid into a crowded urban area in Kandahar and then precisely deliver a 4-lb mortar shell down a chimney, then those are exactly the right skills for getting enough Coco Pops and Asparagus to Britain’s consumers,” UK Delivery Crisis Tsar Simon Williams told us.
“A hand grenade is almost exactly the same size, shape and weight as an avocado, and you can expect to see Britain’s finest bursting out of a van in Shoreditch and accurately throwing them through first-floor windows and into hipster fruit bowls from Wednesday of this week.”
Reports suggest that the new series of Channel 4’s ‘Who Dares Wins’ will feature new tests in their most challenging environment yet, including driving an HGV for 14 hours the entire length of the country without a toilet break, manning a till in Aldi for a day without murdering anyone, and surviving in the harsh environment of a regional distribution centre just outside Doncaster for a week with only a branch of Greggs from which to forage.