Saturday 7 August 2021 by Arabin Patson

Boris Johnson will not isolate after staff member got Covid because “it’s boring and he doesn’t want to”


Boris won't self-isolate

Downing Street has responded to a story about the Prime Minister deciding not to abide by the guidelines when a staff member tested positive for COVID, by explaining that maybe it’s time we stop pretending people like Boris Johnson will ever play by the same rules as you oiks.

Speaking via Zoom from a red list country where he owns a holiday home, Downing Street Communications Director Simon Williams said it would be much easier for everyone to acknowledge laws and rules are just as class-based as everything else in the UK.

Williams explained, “Can we stop with the fake outrage, please? You know full well Boris Johnson has placed himself above the rules since he was a child and, far from being punished for it, it has led him to positions way above his natural abilities.

“People like us were born to rule, not be ruled. We weren’t sent to Harrow, Eton and Winchester for the pedagogy or the sports facilities.

“Oh, put down your smelling salts! Are you claiming this is news to you? We’ve had a neat separation between constrained masses and degenerate toffs since the Dark Ages. It’s never changed and it never will. You think Prince William pays parking tickets?”

Mr Williams said he was delighted Boris Johnson was so open about being better than you.

“I’m just happy we can be open about it now. I’m now going to do a line of coke off the belly of a teenage prostitute and run amok in the huge villa that I claim is an orphanage so I can avoid paying any tax on it. You get to watch.

“And remember to pay your TV licence!”

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