Jack Grealish’s agent Jonathan Barnett has been admitted to hospital after masturbating himself into a coma following the attacking midfielder’s £100m move to Manchester City that will see him earn in excess of £300k per week.
According to sources, Barnett wanked himself into unconsciousness shortly after the record-breaking transfer was confirmed on social media last night.
“He started getting an erection when the rumours appeared at the end of last year,” said unnamed club source Simon Williams.
“By the time Jack arrived at the Etihad for a medical, he was left ejaculating nothing but dust from a bloody stump.”
A statement from the hospital treating Barnett, said, “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought on by a frenetic and prolonged bout of celebratory masturbation.
“There is little we can do about the fixed grin which now appears to be permanent, and despite being very heavily sedated he has been repeatedly mumbling ‘twenty percent, twenty percent’ over and over again since his arrival.
“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection might now be permanent.”
Barnett’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the contract offer reached the agent’s office.
She said, “His hands went straight down his trousers as soon as Man City made an approach and the numbers started getting closer to three hundred grand a week.
“When the deal was completed, and they’d agreed to pay Jack £15m a year, for six whole years, well, he was pretty much a masturbatory blur from that point on.”