The Home Secretary is hoping to improve Britain’s success in the Olympic rowing by ordering gunboats to take out competition from overseas.
After Team GB finished fourth in five Olympic rowing events, Priti Patel has decided that it’s time to adopt hardline tactics.
“Enough is enough,” said the Home Secretary.
“It’s appalling that foreigners in small boats are taking away British opportunities and preventing British success. I will not stand idly by and let this happen.
“There is limited space on the podium. My job is to ensure that this space is occupied by the British.
“I have therefore ordered the Navy to fire at anyone going faster than us. Or slower than us, just to be sure.”
Back home in Blighty, Ms Patel had the vociferous support of a small number of racist maniacs.
“At last, some proper British common sense!” said a Mr Farage of Kent.
“Britannia rules the waves and that includes the Sea Forest Waterway course in Japan. We have a God-given right to win all events involving boats.
“If anyone from a backwards hellhole like Italy or the Netherlands has the gall to row faster than us then they deserve nothing less than to get wiped out by a 30mm Mark 44 Bushmaster II cannon.”
Mr Farage then started screaming at the Olympics coverage on his television.
“There’s another one! There’s another one! Wipe them out! All of them!”
Admiral Simon Williams said, “Don’t worry, the Royal Navy acknowledges that the Home Secretary and her supporters are as mad as a net full of electric eels and this definitely won’t be happening.”