Wednesday 28 July 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Priti Patel exploring possibility of raising dead and having them take on low-paid work


priti patel

It has been revealed that Home Secretary and complete fucking bastard Priti Patel has set up a working group to look into the possibility of raising the recently dead from their graves and having them take on low-paid work.

It is hoped that a zombie army could mitigate the shortfall in the workforce due to Brexit.

“Priti has a lot of experience with a variety of dark arts, including raising the dead,” said a government insider.

“So, she’s decided to explore the possibility of using her Satanic magic to bring the dead back to life and do low-paid work such as fruit-picking and cleaning.”

Ms Patel is understood to be attracted to the policy for two reasons – firstly, the undead would be in considerable pain, which is something she always enjoys. Secondly, because the undead are not, in legal terms, people, then they are not subject to minimum wage legislation, and that could be a considerable saving on the public purse.

“There’s a lot of confidence that raising the dead could just be the economic and social kick Britain needs to turn its fortunes round,” continued the insider.

However, there is some disquiet on backbenches that unleashing an undead army onto the streets of Britain could lead to a zombie apocalypse, which could prove politically difficult for the Government.

“I think that Priti’s spoken to Boris about that, and they’re confident that if there is a zombie apocalypse, they’ll be able to just blame it on Labour and remainers and if anyone complains too loudly, we’ll just say that they’re not backing Britain.”

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