Monday 26 July 2021 by Arabin Patson

Flag shaggers put away crusty St George’s flag and lube up the Union Jack as Olympics get underway


Flag shaggers moved to Union Jack

Rage-filled nationalists who can only find sexual release through the worship of symbols triggered by the sporting prowess of total strangers, have confirmed that they have stopped jizzing on the England flag and are now rubbing themselves raw on the UK’s standard.

Darren Williams, a former UKIP councillor whose flag displays have single-handedly dropped the houses prices in his street by 20%, said that he would be spilling his infertile semen all over the UK’s pennant for the next few weeks even if his first love is for England.

He explained, “I have to be honest and say that nothing really beats football jingoism. The childish xenophobia, the unbridled hatred, the senseless violence and the come-hither looks of my St George’s bedding. The Euros were a magical time and I even managed to crack off a hate wank after losing although I nearly ripped my banjo-string.

“But now it’s time to claim vicarious glory through the achievement of British athletes I have never heard of in sports I didn’t know existed.

“If some bloke from Plymouth wins gold at the 10-metre platform, whatever that is, that means that I am superior to foreigners. And the only way to enhance that feeling is to lay the old red white and blue across the sideboard and give her a good seeing to.”

Mr Williams also explained that having a wank over the UK’s flag was not just the tragic pinnacle of all a raving hyper-nationalist could ever achieve, but was also a show of unity with flag fetishists from all four home nations.

A belief challenged by a recent study that showed that 98% of all the country’s flag shaggers live in or around Basildon.

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