Monday 26 July 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Boris to implement laws to compel public to embrace new post-lockdown freedoms

Boris on lockdown freedoms

Boris Johnson will today announce a series of emergency measures that will compel people to embrace the new freedoms given to them by the lifting of all Covid restrictions.

The news comes in the wake of disappointment amongst leading Tories that the majority of people have decided to ignore their new freedoms, and have instead chosen to continue taken steps to moderate their chances of catching a potentially deadly disease.

“Boris isn’t happy,” said a government insider.

“He wanted everyone out hugging each other, throwing their masks off and hailing him as the greatest leader since Captain Kirk and most people are just being boring and sensible and trying to look after themselves. He’s furious.”

The new measures include

  • A hotline to report neighbours who aren’t taking advantage of their new freedoms.
  • Making wearing a mask a criminal offence.
  • A legal responsibility for every man, woman, and child to go to Pret for their lunch every day.
  • Banning hand sanitiser.

Downing Street hope that, by introducing these measures, everyone will have no choice but to take advantage the new liberties granted by so-called ‘Freedom Day.’

It will also improve the mood of the Prime Minister, who was earlier this morning heard shouting, “I’m going to make these ungrateful shits embrace their newfound freedoms that I’ve given them, even if I have to lock up every single one of them to do so!”

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