Saturday 24 July 2021

New advice that highly flatulent people should wear ‘arse masks’ in enclosed spaces


arse masks compulsory for the highly flatulent

After government officials admitted that it was now possible people could catch Covid from other people’s farts, highly flatulent people could be asked to wear arse masks in enclosed spaces.

The arse masks, which are loosely based on the design for the medical face masks that have become everpresent during the last 18 months, have been recommended to all highly flatulent individuals, whether they are symptomatic or not.

Though not particularly keen to self-identify, highly flatulent individuals have been readily pointed out by the public spirited and keen volunteers across the country.

A government spokesperson told us, “We have to make it clear that these arse masks won’t stop you from contracting Covid, it’s there to protect others – just like the facemasks.  Even if the arse mask is only 10% effective, it will still go a long way to making the air more breathable for everyone around them.”

Meanwhile, many highly flatulent individuals have said they will boycott any venue that insists farters wear an arse mask.

Regular bottom-burper, Simon Williams, told us, “I won’t set foot inside their premises, whether it’s a pub, restaurant or that cinema we went to that one time that had really embarrassing acoustics.

“Me and my farts will stay outside where we will remain completely free from government tyranny!”

However, those who frequent busy venues could hardly believe their luck when told that some of the most flatulent individuals in society were now choosing to boycott venues where people gather inside.

Clubber Sharon Dawson told us, “I remember when the smoking ban first came in, and the slow realisation that smoking covered all manner of other awful smells and that some of my favourite venues actually stink of body odour and farts – so this is great news.

“Is there any chance they’ll discover Covid is spread by BO next?”

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