Thursday 22 July 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Murderers offered 4% pay rise


murderer pay rise

The Government has announced that murderers will be offered a 4% pay rise this year.

“Look, no one likes murderers,” said the Minister for Murderers yesterday

“In fact, it’s fair to say that they absolutely ruin lives and make everything much, much worse. But, fair’s fair, they do their job. Murderers have spent the year diligently murdering people and therefore they deserve a fair recompense.

“We think a 4% increase in salary is a fair reflection to the esteem in which murderers are held throughout society.”

Murderers are disappointed with the pay offer, but have reluctantly accepted.

“You don’t get into murdering for the money, you get into it for the love of murdering,” said Simon Williams, better known as the Southend Strangler.

“But, even so, you still need a decent wage. I mean, murdering isn’t easy. It’s a skill. It takes time to learn how to do it properly, and it takes skill and dedication to consistently murder people day after day.

“So, yes, we’re lucky to have a job we love but it is still that – a job. So, we should get paid properly for doing it, and 4%? Well, it’s okay I suppose. It’s a bit on the low side, but I guess we’ll have to accept it.”

Mr Williams was clear though, if the offer had been any lower, it could have led to real discontent.

“No, that would have been disgraceful. I know that most people don’t like us, but less than 4%? Can you imagine what offering less than 4% would say about what the Government really thinks of you.”

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