Thursday 22 July 2021 by Arabin Patson

Lord Frost triumphant after EU agrees to UK demands in exchange for 600 litres of tartan paint

Lord Frost

In a reversal many deemed impossible, oddly cheerful European officials have told Brexit minister Lord Frost that they would be delighted to give the UK all it wants as long as he goes to B&Q to pick up some tartan paint, left-handed screwdrivers and a long stand.

The seasoned negotiator managed to get the last-minute concession after a marathon session, as explained by his spokesperson, Simone Williams.

“Honestly we thought they would laugh us out of the room at first. The idea of a government that can’t abide by a treaty it demanded, negotiated and signed, then trying to persuade the EU that it can be trusted with an ‘honour system’ for trade seemed like a non-starter.

“And for the first hour, it felt like we would be told to fuck off and then we’d just use that to blame EU intransigence for empty shelves in supermarkets.

“But one of them just sullenly said we could get what we want if we changed the turn signal fluid in his car. And of course we just pounced on the offer. Then everyone started smiling and adding demands which we agreed to because we’re magnanimous in victory.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to receive the printed treaty from the EU. Apparently, they have a new fingerprint sensor system and to open the case I have to pull the courier’s finger.”

The negotiation repeats the pattern of the original treaty where the breakthrough happened in a bar after Lord Frost agreed to order everyone their preferred cocktails of Sex On The Beach. Screaming Orgasm and I’m A Fat English Moron So Spit In My Drink.

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