Tuesday 20 July 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Scientists unsure if dickheads become estate agents or estate agents become dickheads


Estate agents

Scientists worldwide remain baffled by the sequence of events leading to the inevitable dickhead of an estate agent.

While agreeing that estate agents, as a species, are dickheads, science cannot come to a consensus as to whether dickheads become estate agents, or if the job of estate agent turns a previously agreeable human into a dickhead.

“It’s a head scratcher, alright,” said Professor Simon Williams, scratching his head and proving himself right.

“We don’t know what it is about selling houses that demands a consistent orbit of dickheads to do the paperwork and fleece innocent buyers, but we know that orbit and those dickheads – or estate agents- are there.

“But we don’t know what comes first: the dickheadedness or the working as an estate agent.

“The simple argument might be that ONLY a dickhead would want to be an estate agent, but is that too simplistic? We know that good people can sometimes get mixed up with evil people… look at Steve Coogan getting involved with Courtney Love. Or vice versa.

“If it’s the working at the estate agent that CAUSES the dickheadedness, when is the trigger? Is it that first drive in a company-branded mini cooper? That first TINY lie to a first-time buyer regarding the condition of the guttering?

“There’s lots to do in order to work this all out and, sadly, we are going to have to study a LOT of estate agents to get to the bottom of it.”

Estate agent, Hayley Rice, said, “I can assure you that I have a wide-ranging portfolio of happy customers and you can contact any one of them, and they will all tell you that I’m not a dickhead.

“It’s sheer coincidence that they all have the same mobile number and an even bigger coincidence that the voice on the other end sounds a lot like mine.”

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