Tuesday 20 July 2021

Government announces plan to make nightclubs entirely arsehole-free by September


Nightclubs to be arsehole free by Sept

The government has announced a new policy which it says could ensure all nightclubs are free of simpering idiots who seem to think limiting nightclub access was a cornerstone of Nazi Germany policy.

As Boris Johnson explained that nightclubs and other venues where crowds gather could be required to ask for a vaccine passport to allow entry, many of the type of arseholes you would normally hope to avoid in a nightclub have claimed they won’t be going.

“No chance. I wouldn’t have gone clubbing in Nazi Germany, and I won’t go clubbing here,” said Simon Williams, 32, who doesn’t seem to realise he can also get a temporary passport with a negative PCR test, or one for 6 months after a positive PCR test.

Heather Matthews, 29, told us, “What a relief. Simon is the sort of bloke who thinks he’s interesting and will keep talking until you agree with him. I’d put money on his browser history containing at least one site where you can buy Rohypnol.

“Look, I’m a realist, and I recognise that going out in the UK almost certainly guarantees engaging with twats of some description – because let’s be honest, they’re everywhere.  But I wholeheartedly agree with any steps the government takes to reduce the number of arseholes in the nation’s nightclubs.

“Imagine spending the whole night and not one person using the words ‘face-nappy’ or ‘sheeple’.  It would be bliss!”

Nightclub owner Derek Smith told us, “I’ve spent my entire career denying entry to idiots for entirely made-up reasons like the wrong shoes, no collar, no blue jeans, too many men, not enough women, and my personal favourite ‘you’ve had enough already’.

“Adding vaccine status to the list is going to be a piece of piss.”

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