Monday 19 July 2021 by Lucas Wilde

“NOW how will I cheat on my current wife?”


Boris self-isolating without opportunity to cheat on current wife

Boris Johnson will be self-isolating despite the fact he has fucking about to do.

The blonde bullshit artist had confirmed he won’t be self-isolating despite being within spitting distance of the covid-riddled foreign secretary, until a massive outcry made him change his mind at the same speed he gets his trousers on when he hears someone’s husband coming home.

The alleged Prime Minister was claiming to be part of a pilot scheme where he will be tested every day rather than having to self-isolate, an option mysteriously unavailable to the rest of us.

“Look, my work is very important,” explained Johnson.

“By ‘work’ I mean ‘extra-marital affairs’ and by ‘important’ I mean ‘sexually gratifying for me and, feasibly, her’.

“Am I supposed to JUST shag my wife forever? Come on. Let’s be realistic. I can’t.

“But you lot are moaning, and not in the good way, so whatever. I’ll sit at home. But beware, if I miss out on some quality strange because I bowed to your whinging, there will be hell to pay. More so.”

Voter, Hayley Rice, said, “Look, Boris is trying his best.

“Have YOU ever been Prime Minister? I haven’t checked but I doubt it. I bet it’s very stressful.

“You’ve all been really MEAN to him. He should be allowed to do what he wants.

“If Boris needs to blow off steam by bonking some strange, and if he needs to do it by flying in the face of rules the rest of us have to follow, then who am I to question that?

“Corbyn would have been worse, you know.”

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