Sunday 18 July 2021

‘You want to enjoy the nice weather by relaxing outside? Well f*ck you’ say flying ants


flying ants

Flying ants have decided to ruin the best weekend of weather so far this year by flying into everything around you while you try to relax in the sunshine.

Simon Williams, a flying ant from Surrey, told us, “Our mission in our brief existence on this earth is to be as annoying as possible to the human population.

“Sure, I’m likely to get swatted the moment I land on your leg while you’re sunbathing, but for the brief moment in which I pull you out of your summer daydream, I have won. Victory, however brief, is mine.

“There is nothing as honourable for a flying ant a glorious death in battle, and if I can drown myself in your summer cocktail, then all the better.

“We are legion and we will stop at nothing to ruin your weekend in the sun.  We dream of getting stuck in your suncream, or flying into your mouth as you walk across the lawn. To us, this is all our Christmases at once.

“Sure, some of us are only interested in shagging and setting up home in a new area with any queen then can find, but hundreds of millions of us are dedicated to nothing more than bringing misery to your pathetic attempts at sunbathing.”

Meanwhile, those people who are having their day ruined by flying ants have been told to take solace in the fact they will all mostly be dead in a few days time, just in time for the rain to come back again.

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