Coronavirus is today beginning a period of self-isolating after being diagnosed with the dangerous Sajid Javid variant.
Simon Delta Williams, a coronavirus, said, “I started to feel slightly right-wing and unpleasant at the start of the week, but assumed that it was just fatigue.
“It’s been a busy year, after all. But as the week wore on, I began dog-whistling about asylum seekers and Muslim paedophiles, depriving the poor of funding and hope, and before I knew it, I was pushing for a hasty and ill-thought-out lowering of restrictions during a global pandemic.
“Being a responsible virus, I took a test, and my worst fears were confirmed: I was infected with the Sajid Javid variant.
“It’s ironic, because I’ve been avoiding him like the plague,” Williams laughed, “But thankfully, I have been double-jabbed and also built up a degree of immunity after contracting Boris Johnson in March 2020, so my symptoms are mild.”
A spokesperson for the government said that fears that Sajid Javid would mutate were unfounded, but smirked that we each had a duty to protect each other during this outbreak.
Tory-donor-fellating ubertwat Robert Jenrick stated that wearing masks to protect others from Sajid Javid would be down to “personal choice,” adding, “We are not going to put Sajid Javid behind us. We’re going to have to learn to live with him.”
Opposition Leader and political weathercock Sir Kier Starmer said that he would wait to see what a right-wing focus group of ABC1s told him to think before making a statement.