England would have won if more fans had fired flares from their bum, says fan who fired flare from his bum

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A man with a very sore backside is today insisting that England could have won if more fans had shown their support for the team in the proper way, as he did.

Simon Williams, age and IQ of 38, was photographed yesterday in the run-up to the game hunched over in the street with a lit flare proudly protruding from his arsehole, which he insists spurred England on to scoring the opening goal.

Sitting on an ice-pack in A&E he told us, “Our brave lads must have seen that photo of me with a lit flare hanging out the back of me and thought, ‘bloody hell, our fans are incredible, let’s score the opening goal within the first two minutes’.

“And if more proud England fans had done the same we would have been fifteen goals up by half-time.”

He went on, “When it went to penalties I panicked and stuck a lit Catherine wheel in my dickhole to try and swing the contest in our favour, but it sadly fell out, burning my foreskin in the process, and as a result, those penalties were missed.

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“I’ll try and put a bit more effort in for the World Cup next year – sorry.”

England manager Gareth Southgate thanked Mr Williams for his support, but in keeping with his calm, sensible nature, has urged all fans at future events not to insert any flares into their backsides, unless they’ve been racially abusing the players who missed the penalties, in which case they can turn the flare the other way round and shove it right up there.