England fans practising with catapults and spears after crackdown on laser pens

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After the Kasper Schmeichel laser pen controversy, England supporters need to find alternative methods of cheating.

England are in the final of a major tournament for the first time in fifty-five years. Their fans, quite understandably, don’t trust them to finish the job and are desperately trying to find a way of ensuring that Italy lose.

“Everyone’s afraid to say it but proper football fans like me know that this is a David and Goliath contest,” said England supporter Simon Williams.

“And we’re not Goliath.

“But if the Bible has taught us anything it’s that it’s totally acceptable to cheat by flinging rocks at the head of a superior opponent.

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“In fact, if it’s endorsed by the Bible, I guess it can’t really be called cheating.

“So I’m practising hard with my catapult and – while I don’t like to boast – well, let’s just say that none of the neighbourhood cats will be saving a penalty anytime soon.

“Some of the other lads have gone for spears – they reckon they can sneak them into Wembley disguised as flag poles and then pick off the Italians one by one as they roll around the floor feigning injury.

“But it’s all about the sling as far as I’m concerned. It’s a weapon that doesn’t require any great effort or movement – so actually it’s a very English method of cheating… I mean, playing.

“If the final goes to penalties the only way England will lose is if they fire straight over the unconscious Italian keeper straight into the stand. And what are the chances of that happening?!”

Meanwhile, Italy supporter Simone Williamsi thinks the English idea of cheating is hilarious.

“Amateurs!” he scofffed. “Diving and laser pens are things for bambinos.

“Gareth Southgate will know the true meaning of foul play when he wakes up in his Hilton suite with Harry Kane’s decapitated head on his pillow!”