Pre-match TV build-up to Sunday’s Euro final starting now

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TV channels have adjusted their schedules to account for Sunday’s Euro final between England and Italy and accordingly the build-up, punditry, and hastily thrown-together documentaries will begin approximately now.

“Fantastic news, I’m really, really looking forward to all the build-up to the match,” said Simon Williams, a maniac.

“I’ve got my eye on a particularly desperate profile of the England team’s breakfast preferences that’s scheduled for 4am tomorrow morning.”

Other highlights of the build-up will be a complete history of Italy from the moments when the first organisms crawled from the primordial swamp up until about twenty minutes ago, Jurgen Klinsmann demonstrating how to make an arrabbiata pasta sauce, an extended look at Declan Rice’s parents’ garden and the premiere of a two-hour remixed, dub version of 1982’s This Time We’ll Get It Right.

The TV build-up will be shown on all channels including the Parliament Channel, CBeebies, and ITVbe, whatever the hell that is.

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All radio channels will be similarly given over to blanket coverage of the forthcoming match, like when Prince Phillip died, except with more Ian Wright.

There will be no escape whatsoever, and if you try to ignore the whole thing by keeping the TV and radio off from now until Monday, then Danny Murphy will come round and shout his opinions on Italy’s defensive frailties through your letterbox.