Nation preparing for 50 million positive lateral flow tests on Monday morning

author avatar by 2 years ago

The nation’s businesses are preparing to get by with skeleton staff on Monday, after experts predicted up to 50 million positive lateral flow tests could see people forced to stay at home, probably in bed, following the European Championships final.

Government predictions for the rise of covid could also go out of the window as the entire adult population miraculously fails a lateral flow test just hours after the match finishes.

Expert Dr Derek Matthews told us, “We’ve looked at the forecasts, and though technically we should be looking at a maximum somewhere around 50,000 positive tests, the reality is that we are now expecting 100 times that amount.

“This could be due to an unprecedented rise in cases as the virus spreads faster than anyone predicted, or it could be due to grown adults trying to find creative ways to avoid working after spending almost all of Sunday drinking.

“Covid has changed a great many elements of our society in the last 18 months, not least the art of the ‘sickie’. A simple call to the boss is going to raise a few suspicions, but a positive lateral flow test? Well, you’re doing your civic duty by going back to bed and self-isolating in your bedroom.”

England fan Simon Williams told us, “I’ve got a box of unopened lateral flow tests in the cupboard somewhere, and yes, I fully expect to be using one on Monday morning, just to be safe.

“Now, could you point me in the direction of this ‘TikTok’ thing and how it is teaching people how to fake a positive lateral flow result?”