The squat little hedge-dwellers of Britain have finally found a champion after one of their own, after MP and toadstool-based furniture aficionado Andrew Bridgen spoke up on Newsnight and said that immigration was a huge concern for the ancient wee folk of this land.
Taking a break from fishing in a small decorative pond near Leicester, rosy-cheeked imp Simon Williams, said that he was delighted his kind were finally being heard and that.
He told us, “We’re not prejudiced. I get on well with pixies, fairies and even had a Leprechaun round once, but enough is enough.
“We just want to be left alone, herding our hedgehogs and living quietly in the gardens of tasteless sods. But all these foreigners coming here they’re just out for earthworms and free holes in the ground.
“So naturally we’re really happy to see someone go on Newsnight and insist that the UK break the Geneva Convention and force RNLI lifeboats to piss on everything they stood for since 1824 and act as enforcers for opportunistic politicians out to milk the wife-beater vote.
“I like to feel represented, and one look at Andrew Bridgen’s disproportionate head perched on a fat child’s body instantly marks him as someone who needs to hold up his red trousers with a cheeky grin.”
Gnome Williams said that although Andrew Bridgen was not the only gauche lawn ornament in Westminster, he was now seen as the great hope of his kind.
He went on, “He’s the last one standing. There was also that Mark Francois chap but he sort of vanished after all that talk about an MP raping someone.
“Like a racist will-o’-the-wisp!”