Tuesday 6 July 2021 by Arabin Patson

PM tells Brits they are free to make their own decisions as long as they don’t decide to protest


Boris on personal responsibility

Lifelong libertarian Boris Johnson has announced the lifting of COVID restrictions, saying that people are capable of best deciding what’s good for them, as long as that doesn’t involve expressing any kind of public disapproval of government policy which, incidentally, is now banned.

Simon Williams MP, the junior minister appointed to run the government’s Be Free Like We Tell You To project, said that there was no contradiction with the government handing over responsibility for COVID prevention to the people, while simultaneously banning them from having loud opinions.

He explained, “One man’s freedom is another man’s annoyance at having awkward questions shouted at him.

“The Conservative party has always been keen to empower people to take on responsibilities that might one day see us in the dock for mass manslaughter.

“People should be free to not wear a mask on the public transport that we never take, or to attend mass events we would never set foot in. And yes, that means the public will have to accept they are the ones who are directly responsible when it emerges that north of 100 000 people died completely unnecessarily.

“At the same time, it is vital for the UK’s recovery that we are not bogged down with protests or those annoying vigils which allow photographers to make us look like heartless bastards when we walk past them with a stupid grin and a £9 cup of coffee. So we’ve quietly passed legislation ensuring protest can now only be undertaken in a way approved by the very people the protests are aimed at.

“Now go and enjoy yourself in our giant petri dish of a nation.

“But do it quietly!”

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