Monday 5 July 2021 by Stuart Houghton

Colonists must learn to live with Xenomorph infestation, insists Medical Officer


Xenomorph aliens

The head of Medical Operations at the Hadley’s Hope compound on planet LV-426 has said that fellow colonists will have to “learn to live with” constant attacks and attempted egg-implantations from the nearby Xenomorph hive if they are to resume terraforming operations by the third quarter.

Ridley O’Bannon, who was appointed as Chief Medical Officer following the impregnation and subsequent chest-bursting of his predecessor, said yesterday, “Enough is enough. Cowering in ventilation shafts while gripping makeshift flame throwers has had a significant toll on the mental health of people’s living in this colony.”

“Not only that,” he added, “Studies show that wearing Class-IV powerlifting exoskeletons for extended periods of unauthorised combat can lead to repetitive strain injury, further harming productivity.”

When asked about a possible road map out of the Xeno infestation, O’Bannon said, “It is important that we don’t let this unfortunate business curtail our freedoms any longer.

“From Founder’s Day, the wearing of protective, acid-proof masks will be left to personal preference. Colonists will no longer be advised to nominate one member of a group to keep a nervous watch while the others sleep, and the collection, storage and open-mouthed staring-into of giant alien eggs will no longer be restricted.”

O’Bannon was however quick to dismiss conspiracy theories that the infestation was in any way planned by his employer, Weylan-Yutani Corp.

“No, definitely not. You can trust the Company,” reassured O’Bannon.

“We just need to get back to our real task here on LV-426 – Building Back Better Worlds.”

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