Monday 28 June 2021

Cleaners offered counselling after foolishly using blacklight in Matt Hancock’s office


Matt Hancock's office

The cleaning team at the Department for Health have been offered counselling after one of them made the huge mistake of using a blacklight in Matt Hancock’s old office.

The team were called in on Monday to ensure the office was ready for the new minister, Sajid Javid, but were left shocked after one team member used a professional grade blacklight in the hope of identifying any bacteria that might need cleaning away.

“It was… just… everywhere,” explained one unnamed member of the team before dry-retching into a bucket.

“I’ve seen vegas motel bedrooms with less ejaculate on the walls than Matt Hancock’s office.

“Someone said they’d only been having an affair for six weeks, but if that’s true then he must have spent the entire lockdown period wanking across various parts of his office.

“It was on the walls, on the floor, in the potted plants, there was even a pool of it in front of the Queen’s portrait. Surprisingly, there was none whatsoever on the flag, which given his flag-shagging exploits left us quite bemused.  Well, until we found out they dry cleaning it every fortnight.

“I think if we’d been called in last Thursday the thing would have been as stiff as an ironing board.”

Meanwhile, a government spokesperson confirmed the cleaning team had been offered two weeks paid leave, in addition to the counselling, but did add, “surely it can’t have come as a big surprise to any of them to learn that Matt Hancock was a massive wanker?”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – now including Matt Hancock’s replacement!

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