‘D-Day’ instead of ‘kick-off’: The Brexiter’s guide to England vs Germany

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England’s next opponents in Euro 2020 provide the perfect excuse to wheel out some lovely comforting WWII terminology.

It’s every Brexiter’s wet dream – England are playing Germany, which is basically World War Two all over again.

Here’s a handy guide to some of the language you can use if you too feel the urge to be a jingoistic tosspot:

D-Day: Kick-off

The start of the match. Crunch time. Use it in sentences like, ‘This is it boys – D-Day.’

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For added points, clumsily paraphrase famous Churchill speeches e.g. ‘We will fight on the benches, we will fight in the football ground!’

Blitz: A sustained period of German attack involving multiple shots at goal in quick succession.

A blitz can only be defended. There is no equivalent word for an England attack because one has never been required.

In the unlikely event that England score three goals the commentator may say, ‘It’s like Dresden all over again!’ because there’s never a more appropriate time to invoke a military atrocity than a moderately successful football match.

Dunkirk spirit: A prolonged and very stressful period of England defending.

Could probably be applied to most of the match but usually reserved for the last ten minutes when England desperately try to preserve an undeserved one-goal lead. And then concede.

Home front: Wembley

An away match would be ‘Behind enemy lines’, but as it is we are being attacked on the home front and will defend it with our lives, and as long as it’s within the rules of associated football.

Our Boys: The England team

The brave players fighting tooth and nail to preserve the hopes and dreams – indeed, the very way of life – of an entire nation. We couldn’t be prouder.

Unless they lose, in which case they’re a bunch of overpaid bellends who’ve got no idea what a privilege it is to play for their country.