Wednesday 23 June 2021 by Arabin Patson

Ministry of Education insists there is nothing sinister about lovely torchlit rallies praising Boris


Boris Youth Rally

Simon Williams, Minister for Youth Patriotism, has been doing the press rounds to defend his department’s latest initiative to have elementary school children write songs expressing their gratitude to “Uncle Boris” and sing them out loud while battalions of tanks drive past.

He explained, “Far too long have elitist schoolteachers poisoned the minds of our youth with facts and critical thinking methods that allow kids to detect blatant lies by Etonian charlatans.

“All we want to do is to give the children a welcome break from studying and have a nice outdoor event with arts, music and a 9-hour address by our beloved leader.

“Laurence Fox will play some of his songs and the class swots will have a speech contest where they explain why we are better than foreigners.

“But we like a bit of whacky fun too, so we plan to have an old-fashioned game where kids can throw coconuts at painted cartoon baddies with zany names like Eugene Eurocrat or Subhuman Migrant.”

Mr Williams insisted that the event was not a one-off media stunt, but would instead leave the children with lasting memories.

“Before they leave, all kids will be asked to pen down their thoughts into a letter to their future selves and especially talk about adults in their lives that say mean things about the country or the PM. Letters that we will hold for safekeeping, of course.

“And everybody will get a badge and a spiffy armband. Perhaps even a shirt if the budget allows it but I think we can only afford one colour.

“Yes, brown. How did you guess?”

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