Dido Harding promises to keep the cost of ethnically cleansing the NHS to under £20 billion

author avatar by 3 years ago

Aware of the controversy surrounding her spending of £37 billion for a buggy version of Apple’s free track and trace app, Dido Harding has assured MPs that she would keep costs down when delivering the govt’s promise of making the NHS as “white as a matron’s cap”.

Simone Williams, a rosy-cheeked English rose who will run Ms Harding’s Stick To Your Own task force, explained that the government was keen to get value for money when delivering the monochrome health service their voters dimly remember from their childhood.

“After COVID showed that the NHS was the key to saving the nation, the Cabinet knew it had a once in a generation chance to shape the health service into the racist anachronism people think it once was from watching Carry On films.

“And who better to do that than the person who sank 1% of the nation’s GDP into a financial black hole with nothing more than a malfunctioning app and some excel spreadsheets to show for it.

“Dido knows how not to get distracted by medical types screaming about mass casualties and can really zero in on expelling any NHS worker that a senile old bat from Kettering would think is ‘a bit exotic’.

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“When she is done, the NHS will look exactly like it did in the fifties, complete with servile white women tending the wards, all-male doctors, polio, boiled cabbage for each meal and any form of cancer being a guaranteed death sentence.”

Mrs Williams was asked if any of the money promised by the government to Dido Harding would go towards nursing and medical student bursaries, subsidised housing for key NHS workers, pay raises, bonuses aimed at staff retention or improved facilities.