Tuesday 22 June 2021 by Chris Ballard

Billy Gilmour dons fake moustache and drives Croatia team bus


Billy Gilmour driving Croatia team bus

After testing positive for Covid-19, Billy Gilmour’s new job has been to come into contact with the entire Croatia team.

He won’t be on the pitch tonight but Scotland midfielder Billy Gilmour could still be a national hero if he successfully pulls off his secret mission.

With dark glasses, a fake moustache and a ‘Go Croatia’ baseball cap, Gilmour has been driving Scotland’s opponents to and from training and will drive them to Hampden Park tonight with the aim of preventing their entire squad from playing.

“I’m pleased to still be able to do my bit,” said Gilmour, visibly nervous at the prospect of driving a Category D coach for the very first time.

“The key will be to maximise physical contact with the Croatia players.

“I’m adopting the persona of a tactile Frenchman, so it’ll be double kisses all round as I help them load their kit bags into the hold. If I’m feeling confident I might even lick a few cheeks.

“Then I’ll give them good luck handshakes as they get on the bus, spitting into my palm after each greeting. They’ll probably think it’s unnecessarily dirty but I’m sure I’ll get away with it if they think I’m French.

“I’ll then do a school-trip style headcount, making sure I finger their nostrils as I walk down the aisle.

“Finally, when we arrive at the stadium, I’ll spit in their eyes.”

Scotland Manager Steve Clarke is confident in the plan.

“As far as I can see, it’s completely foolproof,” he said. “Croatia will either be ruled out of the game due to Covid or be held up in a horrible bus crash.

“It’s the most realistic chance we’ve ever had of getting out of the group stage.”

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