England to secure victory against Scotland by boring them to sleep

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Gareth Southgate has announced that England’s game plan against Scotland tonight is to bore them to sleep, according to reports this morning.

England, who beat Croatia 1-0 after reading them the shipping forecast until they all nodded off and allowed Raheem Sterling to knock a shot home, are understood to be very excited by their new strategy – although it’s very, very difficult to tell.

“The England strategy is a very difficult one to beat”, said Scotland team manager Simon McWilliams.

“You can get the lads all fired up in the dressing room, and then they march out onto the pitch to find Southgate and his boys talking about what the best mobile phone contract is and that time they found a really handy shortcut off the A46 at Leicester and kicking the ball in a circle.

“Before you know it your team is face down and snoring just outside the 18-yard-box and they’ve scored two or three.

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“At the top level of International football you have to be prepared for anything, but this England side is absolutely relentless in their tedium.

“John McGinn has more energy than any footballer I’ve ever met, and even he felt his eyelids getting heavy as England passed it across their back five for the 178th time against Croatia.

“We’ll just have to fill up on Red Bull and try to do our best to stay awake for ninety minutes.”