Friday 18 June 2021 by Neil Tollfree

Edwin Poots quits because he didn’t read the standing orders and has no authority here


Edwin Poots resigns

DUP leader Edwin Poots has sensationally resigned after it became apparent that he hadn’t read the standing orders, and that he had no authority here.

The dramatic scenes took place at an internal party meeting in which Mr Poots was asked to delay the nomination of Paul Givan as first minister because he once said dinosaurs were ‘cool’ and was seen sitting next to a woman with bare arms on the bus.

Mr Poots refused and the meeting exploded.

Paul Frew interrupted Mr Poots, shouting “You have no authority here, Edwin Poots, no authority here at all.”

Michelle McIlveen screamed, “Read the standing orders, read the standing orders and understand them.”

The meeting then descended into chaos.

Edwin Poots has since issued the following statement.

“Following an internal meeting, it has become clear that I had no authority there, no authority at all and, as such, I will be resigning from my position as leader of the party.

“I can only wish that I’d read the standing orders. But I hadn’t, and so I wish my successor all the best.”

It is expected that Mr Poots will be replaced by someone who believes that women should be burnt at the stake for having periods and that God is an old man with a fluffy beard who hates everyone.

Which will be fine, provided they read the standing orders, they read the standing orders and understand them.

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