Shadowy cabal of Coca-Cola executives launch plan to have Cristiano Ronaldo ‘whacked’

author avatar by 3 years ago

After Portugal captain Cristiano Ronaldo dismissively removed bottles of Coca-Cola from the table he was using for a press conference, those inside the lucrative cola industry have insisted that such disrespect can not stand.

Ronaldo told reporters and the viewers watching that they should ‘drink water’ while pushing the Coke bottles out of shot before the press conference began.

“This can not go unpunished,” one executive told us hidden behind a newspaper in a dark corner at a secret location.

“We pay millions of dollars every year to ensure the planet’s impressionable young children can see our flavoured sugar water alongside their favourite sports stars, so we can’t have those same sports stars giving health advice to the detriment of our business.

“Cristiano will learn the hard way that you don’t go after the cola brands. This is a mistake people only ever make once.

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“If you don’t think we can have him taken care of, then you don’t know much about us.  We own sport. We own politics. Christ, we even own Santa!”

At the time of publication, Ronaldo had not yet been reached by the powerful Cola lobby, but we all know it’s now only a matter of time.