Friday 11 June 2021 by Chris Ballard

Queen respectfully marks Prince Philip’s 100th birthday by having quiet dinner with suspected paedophile


Queen had dinner with Prince Andrew

Possible paedophile Prince Andrew celebrated what would have been his father’s 100th birthday by treating his mother to a slap-up 2-4-1 offer at his favourite restaurant.

The Queen was in the drawing room, tearfully watching old home movies of her late husband’s racist gaffes.

Prince Andrew walked in just as she was pouring herself another large gin.

“Come on mum,” he said. “Don’t mope around here all day, let’s hit the town – Woking, to be precise. I have a restaurant voucher!”

So a car was summoned and off they went, with crushing inevitability, to Pizza Express.

“Hi, it’s me again,” said Andrew, winking at the waiter who greeted them.

“Oh my God, Prince Andrew and the Queen!” squealed the waiter. “What an unexpected and incredibly bizarre honour! I’ll get my manager – you must have the best table in the house, only slightly near the toilets.”

“No, no, I come here all the time, don’t I?” said Andrew, slipping the waiter a twenty-pound note. “This is all totally normal and definitely not the first time I’ve been to one of these Pizzaesses, or whatever they’re called.”

When they were seated the manager hurried over.

“Your Majesty!” he gushed. “Do you have any special requirements?”

“Some crayons for my son,” she said. “And could we please have a male waiter? The last thing I need to deal with today are Andrew’s wandering hands.”

As her son donned his little paper hat and struggled through his pasta-themed wordsearch, the Queen looked around this strange little place.

Philip certainly wouldn’t have approved – people eating funny foreign food with their fingers! ‘Animals!’ he’d have called them.

She picked at her Four Seasons. Which one was winter?

She knew she was nearing the end of her own particular journey through life. She’d seen so much. Travelled the world. Seen Prime Ministers and Presidents come and go. Survived wars and pandemics.

And yet somehow she’d ended up here – eating fast food in Woking with an embarrassing nonce.

“Bill, please!” she shouted.

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