Thursday 10 June 2021 by Arabin Patson

Carrie Symonds urged not to take a “legalistic, purist” approach to marriage vows


Boris and Carrie Symonds

Talks between Boris Johnson and his new spouse Carrie Symonds have broken down after the Prime Minister entreated his wife to seek “creative solutions” in order to solve the thorny issue of him wanting to shag much younger women even though he promised not to.

Chief negotiator Lord Frost, selected by the PM because of their shared love of shameless lying and looking like a pig’s bladder full of warm shit when wearing a suit, warned that this bureaucratic intransigence towards boffing interns could have dire consequences.

He explained, “It’s all very well pointing out again and again that it was the PM who asked for the marriage and indeed wrote the wedding vows himself, but in the real world no one could have predicted he would feel randy as soon as the warm weather led female staff to wear shorts.

“We can not be expected to imagine there is some imaginary boundary in front of other women’s fannies, even if that is the standard practice for marriage and he knew full well what he was signing up to.

“Should this nitpicking continue, we will consider taking unilateral action like ‘accidentally’ sitting on the dog or making a drunken pass at Laura Kuenssberg.”

Lord Frost said that the dispute was not an issue of one side being untrustworthy bastards but one of embracing ‘a new reality’.

He went on, “Boris is a proud sovereign shagger and Carrie needs to accept this. If necessary, he will not hesitate to wait for her to get cancer before shacking up with some careerist skank who could not give a shit about the emotional wreckage their fling creates.

“I know it seems unlikely he will find a woman like that but, trust me, they can be found.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him!

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